It Is Okay

Time doesn’t stop moving along. I don’t know about you, but I feel like if I don’t write things down and if I don’t spend a little bit of intention to refocus on my small goals for the day or week, so much time can pass by without me taking steps toward my goals. As an example, when I opened this up to write, I was shocked to realize that it had been over a month since I last wrote! In my head it was “just a few weeks” (which can easily be a month…). But for some reason it wasn’t solidified in my head until I saw the date of my last post.

I’m surely not dismissing what I have been up to the last 5 weeks! It has been busy and so different since it has been my break between wrapping up my job and starting my doctorate program (tomorrow!). Let’s see, we had lots of visitors, we traveled and I had the privilege of volunteering as a mental health “person” at a Christian college conference (taxing, rewarding and amazing in its own way and I’m working through those experiences), we were sick for about 3 weeks (still coughing), I’ve been trying to rest and read books (heh), I’ve been planning and prepping for school to start, and probably most tangible of all, I have been working on one of the rooms in the house which included ripping up carpet, prepping and cleaning the floor, baseboards and walls, putting two coats of primer on the wall (with old primer left behind by the previous owners - DO NOT RECOMMEND), and then because it is me, I went big and painted a sunrise. It is now called the Sunrise Room and I love it/see-allll-the-faults-and-touch-ups-I-should-do. I compiled a little time lapse of it all - take a look if you’d like!

And through all this, I kept thinking, “I want to write!” So many times it was written on my planner and all those times until today, it was not done. My instant reaction to this was to beat myself up and think, “Actual writers write whether they’re inspired or feel like it.” to which I fought every time to push away. It’s something I struggle with and if I let it run it’s course, it leaves me wondering if I will ever be the writer I want to be. But when I thought more rationally, I also realize that I was partaking in many other creative endeavors that were using the majority of my creative juices. I also have learned through the years that transition and change (at whatever stage you’re in - thinking about it, taking steps toward it, in the middle of it, waiting for the next thing, after the change) impacts us much more than we think. We tend to want to just get over it and move on (“It’s been a month! You should be adjusted!” Or “This is your time to rest! You have time! Take it! Why are you anxious about what is next?”), but in reality, we all have our ways of working through it and sometimes that means less capacity for things you were previously excited for, things that didn’t use to tick you off, social activities, trying to make decisions, etc. So I realize that I am embarking on something new, and really my life for the last almost two years has been one big change after the other. So there is grace for when I can’t do what I want to do, and also a healthy push (like this morning) to make myself a nice cup of tea, sit down, go full screen, and write whether I have any idea of how it will end up being.

I also had many epiphanies while painting. If you watch the video, I narrate my thoughts in random parts and those were along the lines of, “Oh this is so bad…not the plan…what are you even doing?!” But when I took a step back to see the bigger picture I realized that it was all working together to form something well, bigger! When we’re up close, those tiny little details look really bad, or not the right color, or likely not what you imagined. But stepping back can help you realize that that little detail actually is a necessary piece that makes the bigger picture. And when people see the big, final picture, they don’t see all those thoughts of fear, the mistakes, or the tiny little details. When I see someone who I think is so put together, so on top of things, able to do so much more then me, seemingly so perfectly curated on Instagram, etc., I remind myself that behind that are all the uncertainties, all the failures and growth to get to where they are, AND that they have areas of growth too.

So, it is okay.

As I embark on this new, exciting, and terrifying journey over the next 5 years, I have no idea what is to come. I picture lots of growth opportunities where I will fail and hopefully learn from. I did get to meet my cohort this past week and I am so thankful. I believe I have the supporting net to carry me through all that will happening. But I am SO READY to FINALLY just START.

I don’t know what this space will look like through this first semester. I have dreams and ideals, but then there’s the reality of me struggling through research, statistics, and cognitive neuroscience. But one thing I’ve learned is that physical exercise and creative outlets are necessary for me so, thanks for reading and being here, and until next time :)