I’ve recently read a couple of books where the main character is experiencing grief. I think that grief is rather misunderstood and understandably so, since not everyone experiences the BIG grief that we may think of when we hear that word - death of a close family member or friend, experiencing a life-altering disease, etc.
In one of the books (The Last Goodbye, by Fiona Lucas, 6.5/10) the main character (MC) is reeling several years letter from the sudden death of her husband. The MC of course has a loving and supportive bestie (and her mom, from a physical distance), who are both trying so hard to get the MC to “get her life going again” and to “get back out there”. The bestie is parading her from activity to activity, hoping that one will just click and suddenly, snap! Everything will fall back into place, the MC will find purpose again (and maybe love?) and she’ll have her best friend back in happier form. That of course, is not what the bestie is thinking as she is doing this but it is, in essence what she is conveying to the MC. That the MC is “broken”, that she should “be over it by now”, and that finding another person or thing will “fix her”. All of which leaves the MC stuck between carrying the weight of her grief and the very real realization that life will never be the same, and trying to appease her bestie and mom by being okay, or at least “getting better”.
In The Words We Lost (by Nicole Deese, 9/10), we have some very layered grief with the most recent one being the death of her best friend. This death is bringing up the past griefs which the MC has conveniently shoved under the rug and through writing (but of course!), the best friend brings healing back after her death (Was that a spoiler? I’m sorry if it was, but I highly recommend this one. It is beautiful.) So here we have someone who has pushed away support, soldiered on on her own and as a result of that, is rather angry and explosive when anything is touched. Everything is pent up within her and she doesn’t understand her emotions or how to decipher them.
You may have heard of the 5 (or 7) stages of grief. It is often referenced in therapy sessions to help the grieving person understand the emotions they are feeling. I think the word “stages” is a huge misnomer because it indicates that you move from stage to stage, and that means that there is an end result. A nice, conclusive wrapping up of this experience of grief with the “final” stage of acceptance. And that could not be farther from the truth. In fact, one could experience any one of these “stages” at any time and even all of them in one day. You may reach acceptance one day, and the next day be so angry and in denial that it actually happened. 20 years later, on a certain day, or when the sun is shining just right to evoke a memory, you may be hit with sudden sadness and then some anger again. The strength of that anger or reaction may be less then 20 years prior (or it may not be), but that doesn’t deny the fact that that grief is there.
I haven’t experienced one of these “big” griefs, but I do believe that we all have experienced in some way, the “little” griefs. We grieve the loss of a friendship or a first love, a job, houses, even an old phone or a closing of a project. As college freshman are moving into their dorms, in the midst of the excitement, there may be some grief over the loss of how life was when they were in high school. As you move across the country, while there is something exciting to look forward to, it is perfectly normal to grieve your previous way of life, your house, those little nooks and corners that you loved (or that even irritated you). I think if we were to allow ourselves to be there in those little griefs (instead of wondering why you still feel this way 10 years later, or dismissing it) and to acknowledge what it actually is, then maybe when those “big” griefs come along in our life or in some ones life around us, we may have an increased emotional understanding. We may realize that it is okay when someone is grieving and sad, to simply sit with them and let them cry on your shoulder and to talk it out (and that if you’re the grieving one, it’s okay to reach out for this). It’s okay if this is happening 6 months, 5 years, or 20 years after the impacting situation. You don’t need to tell them it will get better, or some other placating statement. As uncomfortable as it may be, having someone they can just be where they are at may be the best support they need.
Lastly, I have been loving (in a sad way) this song by a sibling band called Girl Named Tom. Watchers of The Voice know them from wining season 21 in December 2021 and that their dad had terminal cancer while they were on the show. He passed about a month after they won and in December 2022, they went back to The Voice finale to sing an original song they wrote called “One More Christmas”. This song is so much more then another Christmas song because it's for those who have lost someone special and how hard it can be to go through another holiday, another anniversary or any other experience without that someone. I think this song does a beautiful job encapsulating what grief is. You long for just one more time with them, yet know it will never happen. There’s joy and laughter in remembering the past times with them, and tears and weight in knowing that will never happen again. And yet, you still keep on living, pushing forward to new memories and fresh starts, all mingled together with the sadness and the depth that that brings.
This is a very accurate portrayal of the grief journey. I just finished a nonfiction book, The In-Between , written by a hospice nurse. I was so thankful to see the experience we had with my mom in hospice echoed in this book. It was healing for me in ways I didn’t know I needed, even 15 years later.