Our Story

“I was myself with him, like it was so easy. I just said the first thing that popped into my head. And I was funny. For some reason, that was okay.” I take a sip of my hot soup. Clem’s watching me because she knows there’s more. “But there’s so much of me that’s broken. It’s a matter of time before he sees all that and bolts anyway.” 

Clem gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Ah, your favorite story,” she says. 

~ from It's a Love Story, by Annabel Monaghan

There are things we tell ourselves. We tell ourselves those things for so long that we don’t even remember where those thoughts came from. They become something we hold close. So close that we believe they are who we are and we can’t imagine who we might be apart from those thoughts. They become so a part of us that we don’t know how to operate without them. They become our story, even though in times of quiet when we’re honest with ourselves, we recognize a tiny thread of a slightly different story hidden behind the current story.

These thoughts and beliefs often come from something in our childhood. Maybe an embarrassing moment, or a moment of failure, or something someone yells at us, something we’re told repeatedly, or a fear so strong because our world is so small at that age. Being a kid is an impressionable time and these incidents impact our little world deeply, causing us to believe something that is not actually true. Maybe there was a tiny spark of truth in that moment, but our mind generalizes it to our person and our whole life. We may believe that we’ll never be worthy of love, or that we always do everything wrong, or that we could never speak what we actually thought. As we start thinking these beliefs and entertaining their supposed truth (usually all unconsciously), this impacts our actions. We may begin to hold back or hesitate and then what we believe actually gets reinforced as we see the evidence of these beliefs being played out through our now-tinted glasses. As we grow up, it becomes so real that we may not even realize what we are doing. Because we really do believe it is us and it is true. We may never have gotten the option to see any other way, so there is no other truth to argue with our supposed truth.

But the fact of the matter is that these are just thoughts passing through our heads. You can think of it as a little bird on your shoulder, chirping away. Or, I don’t know, a green monster in your head if that works better for you. If a bird is chirping on your shoulder, you can choose whether to listen and or to not listen. Just like you can listen to a friend and decide in that moment if their advice is helpful for you or not.

The thing is though, that our world moves so quickly. Our minds our already busy. But we are bombarded everyday by the news, by other people’s beliefs on social media, by articles that may or may not be true, by text messages and just so much noise. It’s hard to notice and recognize a thought, let alone take a pause to breathe, view it objectively, and choose whether it is helpful or not. But these actions of noticing and of choosing are like muscles. As we practice to notice and observe our thoughts, that muscle will get a little bit stronger. And little by little, we can learn that we can choose how to respond to our thoughts, instead of letting them lead us wherever they want us to go. And this is how we begin to change our story. Or really, to return to our original story.

P.S. I’ve read 4 or 5 of Annabel Monaghan’s books this year and I have to say that she is so good! I love the depth of her characters, the beautiful web of families and deep relationships woven in and the growth of the main character. It’s a Love Story is her newly released book. I just read it today and if I was a book reviewer I would give it a solid 5 out of 5.